Category Archives: Emotional Health

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The Porn Pandemic: Is Purity Possible?

I admit it — I love the Internet.  I liked it from the first time I heard the beep beep boooop of our first dial-up modem, and saw how information came streaming into our home.  Anything I needed to know, type it in… and there it was.

Today, it’s better, smarter, and way, way faster.  My smartphone is always connected.  Google Now learns what I like and search for, and automatically shows me news stories connected to my interests.  Google Drive syncs all my files, so I can retrieve any picture or document from anywhere and send it instantly to anyone.  Amazon lets me order & ship things directly to my door.  My sermons on Youtube have been viewed 5,000 times as of this writing.  I can find the lyrics to almost any song in seconds.

A friend told me once (and I’ve repeated it many times) “Without the internet, I am like any other mortal.”

So you know I’m pro-internet.

But… I have to say this:  Be cautious, friends.  The internet is like nuclear power.  Harnessed, it’s great.  Without proper controls, it’s deadly.

No phenomenon shows this more, or is more pervasive in our culture than internet pornography.

Consider the following statistics:

  • Porn is a $60 billion industry per year worldwide – $12 billion in the USA. ($32.8 million per day!)
  • Pornography brings in more than pro baseball, basketball, football & hockey combined… more than the combined revenues of ABC, CBS & NBC.  Statistically, sports is not “America’s favorite pastime.”
  • Porn sites comprise 12% of ALL sites on the internet.
  • 25% of all search engine requests are porn-related.
  • 28000 people view porn per second.
  • 372 users every second type words to search for porn.
  • In the year 2014, one of the largest pornography video sites reported 78.9 billion video views — 11 for every person on the earth.
  • 90% of kids by age 18 have seen porn on the internet.
  • Average age of first exposure for a child is 11 yrs, usually inadvertently.
  • #1 consumer of porn: boys 12-17.

Now, after you pick your jaw up off the floor, let me hit you with one more: A university attempting to study the effects of pornography, attempted to locate a control group of men who had not been exposed to it, so they could compare them with men who had.  They cancelled the study; they were unable to find men who had not.

In that kind of world, is it even possible to be pure? 

I imagine there were those who felt the same way when Paul wrote to the Corinthians, “To the church of God which is at Corinth, to those who are sanctified in Christ Jesus, called to be saints…” (1 Cor. 1:2, NKJV)  I imagine they stopped, shook their head, and looked out the window at the towering mountain fortress of Acro-Corinth above their city.  The ancient writers say 1,000 temple prostitutes engaged in “worship” at the temple of Aphrodite.

How does anyone follow Christ and be holy in the shadow of the 1,000 prostitute temple?

But while it may seem challenging, He calls us to holiness nonetheless.

How do we protect our homes? Our children?  Our own hearts?

Filters?  Rules?  Make sure our kids never have computers?  Or visit anyone with computers?  Get rid of the internet?  (What?! How would you read my blog?!)

In my next post, I’ll be sharing 4 starter steps to protecting the atmosphere of your home against the rampant spread of pornography.

For now, I’d like to hear from you in the comments below, or on my Facebook: What are you doing to protect your home from the pornography epidemic?

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What to Do When Life Punches Your Goals in the Nose

My morning routine, which I wrote about recently, was going so well.  Life was starting to hum along again, after the birth of our sixth child.  He was sleeping through the night, I was able to get some sleep & get up and rock my to-do list before dawn.

Then, the baby got a cold.  And started waking up every night.  Twice.  And my 4th child spent the night throwing up. And… you get the picture.

My morning routine for the last week (plus!) has been completely nuked.  I’m sleeping later than I want to.  I shut my alarm off and almost missed an appointment this week.  I’ve accomplished less than half of what I want to on an average morning.

Not cool.

Holding high ideals while still allowing yourself permission to fail is not an easy thing.  Some people have a hard time doing both, so they get rid of ideals.  Or they get a case of perfectionism and make everyone around them miserable.  I’ve done some of both.

I spent years beating myself up for not being better about this or that.

But I’ve adjusted my attitude.  Here are the three things I tell myself.  Hope it’s an encouragement to you, if you’re in a tough season:

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How to Build a Morning Routine – Part 2

How I Capture the Most Important Part of the Day

There isn’t one “right” morning routine.  It’s built on your values and realities.  My reality is self-employed (pastor) and 6 kids.  Yours might look totally different.  But for some ideas and encouragement, here’s a walkthru of my morning routine, from start to finish, with tips of what makes it work better for me.

If you want to read the first post I wrote on this, you’ll need to go here: How to Build a Morning Routine In 7 Steps.

First 90: Getting Started Right

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How to Thrive In A Tough Season

I know that title is pretty broad — I can’t do anything about some of the frustrations in your life.  I can’t do anything about that guy whose trash blows in your yard.  Or the guy on the interstate who cuts you off with no blinker.  And you really can’t do much about it, either.  Just get over yourself and get over them. 🙂

But there are some larger, enduring frustrations that I’ve experienced that I bet you have too.  And THOSE, I can teach you something about.  It’s the frustration that comes with seasons in your life.

I know you’re familiar with the concept of seasons of the year, but you might not have thought of life in terms of seasons.

3 things you need to remember to keep from being frustrated about seasons:

1. Seasons come in a micro- and a macro- version.

Here are some examples of micro-seasons:

  • Recovery from a medical procedure.
  • Bouncing back from a very busy project
  • Adjusting to a new neighborhood after moving

Examples of macro-seasons:

  • Raising young children
  • Old age
  • Teenage years

For micro-seasons, you just need to wait them out, and take some short term actions — medication, rest, etc.

For macro-seasons, you’ll need to adjust your attitude, check your values, and engage in personal growth.

2. Seasons are not something you can control.

You can’t just decide you’re not going to participate in this season any more.  You can’t stop most seasons of life any more than you can stop spring or winter from coming.

So the solution to the frustration can’t be found in how to change the season… it’s got to be found in how I respond to it.

3. You can’t control seasons, but you can choose your attitude.

iStock_000004003533XLarge

The old saying “It’s not what happens to you, it’s what happens IN you,” applies here.  Author and holocaust survivor Victor Frankl said,
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom….When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.”

So here are some ways that I have dealt with seasons, while trying to keep my attitude positive:

1. Watch your words.

Early in my ministry, when we were frustrated about a season we were facing, Liz and I would often say to each other, dramatially, “Well, in the grand scale of 30 years of ministry…”  It was usually good for a chuckle, but it did more.  It became a tagline that allowed us to “zoom out” and see the season from the larger perspective.

Be careful of your words.  They don’t just reveal your perspective — they help create it!  And your perspective helps create your reality… Create wisely.

2. Find the funny.

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Kids have been probably the defining season of this part our life.  I have a saying my wife and I have laughed over for the last few years: “Someday, I’m going to change the world, but right now I have to change this kid’s diaper.”  It helps me laugh, and remember the delicious irony of a young kid that thought he was going to change the world through his career in ministry — then had 6 kids, and discovered that he needed to change himself first.

3. Grow.

Sam Chand says, “A leader can only grow up to the level of his tolerance for pain.”  Seasons can be full of pain.

But they are also prime places for “the growth that happens before the growth.”  You know what I mean by that, right?  It’s what Steven Covey calls the “private victory” that always precedes “public victory.”

I know what it’s like to be dealing with a season while wishing to be out “kicking behind and taking names.”  But while you’re waiting, don’t waste the time.  This is captured beautifully in John Waller’s song “While I’m Waiting” from the movie Fireproof. Check it out if you need some encouragement:

These are some behind the scenes areas where you can grow during tough seasons:

  • Attitudes
  • Personal Discipline
  • Family habits
  • Reading
  • Personal devotional time
  • Working on a new skill
  • Improving an old skill
  • Investing in a relationship
  • Seeking out coaching
  • Developing teamwork in your church/family
  • Creating better systems
  • Creating morning and evening routines

Choose your attitude.  Watch your words.  Create your plan.  You’re going to get through this.

Who do you know that’s in a tough season right now?  Share this with them!

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How to Be Less Overwhelmed in 20 Minutes

The Christmas season is wonderful — and incredibly busy.  The programs, the gifts, the family time, the sermons, the special events, the dinners, the last-minute details… it can all add up to a huge stress load.  What if you could take 15 minutes and lower your stress level — feel less overwhelmed, more in control, and ready to get something done?  Would that be attractive?

how to be less overwhelmed in 15 minutes

I’m not talking about a massage, a medication, or the proverbial ‘stiff drink.’  Those are attempts to escape stress.  I’m talking about looking that giant hairy stress monster in the face & cutting it down to size.

Is that really possible?  Don’t doubt me until you’ve tried these 5 simple steps:

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Why Your Pastor is Tempted to Quit

And how you can help...

“Pastor.”  The word may have lost some of its respect over the years, with high-profile scandals, Hollywood hit jobs, and TV cariacatures.  But the title still conjures up good things in many American minds.  A 2011 study by Rasmussen says 70% of Americans view pastors favorably.

But pastors, honestly, through all of their healing, restoring & guiding work, can live with a lot secret pain.

According to a survey by the New York Times in 2010,

  • about 1,500 pastors per month leave the ministry due to burnout, conflict or moral failure.
  • 45% of pastors say they’ve experienced enough burnout or depression to feel the need to take significant time away from ministry
  • 57% of pastors report that they would leave ministry if they thought there was somewhere else to go
  • 75% report severe stress causing anguish, worry, bewilderment, anger, depression, fear, and alienation.
  • 80% of pastors say they have insufficient time with their spouse.
  • 33% say that being in ministry is a hazard to their families.

“Not my pastor.”

No, I hope not.  But some pastor friends of mine have reached these points.

I recently surveyed pastor across several denominations and asked them what was most frustrating in their ministry.  I gave them multiple options to choose from, as well as the ability to write their own answers.  Here’s what they told me about their greatest challenges:

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Can Thanksgiving Make You Happier & Healthier?

4 Surprising Benefits of Giving Thanks...

Tomorrow across America, families will gather, turkey will be eaten, football will be watched, holiday shopping will start… and in places, gratitude will be expressed.  Zig Ziglar famously said, “Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions.”  Sounds nice… but is it really true?

Researchers are discovering that Zig really wasn’t that far off!  Here are 4 benefits of being thankful that surprised me:

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A Pastor’s Thanksgiving List

10 Things I'm Thankful for this week

It’s that time of year, where our hearts turn toward things we are thankful for.  Thanksgving is far too important a habit to only do once per year.  Zig Ziglar was right: “Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. The more you express gratitude for what you have, the more likely you will have even more to express gratitude for.”

Sounds like something we ought to cultivate year-round!  So here’s my list of 10 things I’m thankful for as a pastor:

1. Thank you, Lord, for saving me, and for your sanctifying work in my heart.

The day I feel like I’ve arrived is the day I stop leading people deeper into Christ.  Don’t ever let me get over the shock of the Gospel, or the hunger for more holiness.

2. Thank you, Lord, for calling me into the work of a pastor.

It’s a privilege to help the Great Shepherd care for His sheep.  Thanks for inviting me to participate in leading your people.  Don’t let me use them, resent them, or mislead them.  Let me be patient with them like you are with me.

3. Thank you, Lord, for my wife.

Darrell and Elizabeth Stetler

My wife Elizabeth and I

She could have done anything.  She could have had a safe house and life in a small town.  She could have lived where the helicopter doesn’t circle.  But she was willing to live in an exemplary way, in the “fishbowl” of a pastor’s home, and serve God’s people in that way.   Thank you for her unselfish commitment to the Kingdom… and me.

4. Thank you, Lord, for my family.

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Grace, Darrell III, Heath, Caleb, Gideon and Will

They take the benefits and sacrifices with grace and sweetness.  Please help me be faithful to them, and to pastor the little church in my home first.

5. Thank you, Lord, for my spiritual heritage.

V. O. Agan and Darrell Stetler II

Granddaddy Agan – a great man and preacher

Four Stetler Generations - Kenneth Stetler, Darrell Stetler Sr, Darrell Stetler II, Darrell Stetler III

Four Stetler Generations

I remember today that I stand on the shoulders of those before me.  Thank you for their prayers, their example, their faithfulness.  Thank you for the stores of wisdom and prayer that are there for me to draw on.

6. Thank you, Lord, for my successes… & failures.

My successes keep me trusting that I’m making a difference.  Thank you for giving me enough hits to have the courage to keep swinging the bat.

My failures keep me humble, and learning.  Thanks for helping me not be destroyed by them.  Thank you that I’m not always right.  When I fall, help me learn to pick up something while I’m down there.

7. Thank you, Lord, for the volunteers who serve with me.

They lift the load in so many ways.  Bless them today, and make their reward great.  Let them feel my gratitude and Your smile.

8. Thank you, Lord for the people who willingly follow.

It’s such a blessing to have some who gladly do right.  Sorry I sometimes forget them in the rush to go after those who stray.  Thank you that everyone is not wandering or resisting… that some let me do my worth with joy & not heaviness of heart.

9. Thank you, Lord, that my self-worth is not wrapped up in what people think of me.

I rest in what you see.  I rest in your definition of success.  They don’t have to like me… or my preaching… or vote for me… or give in the offering… or support my latest idea… for my ministry to be acceptable in your sight.

10. Thank you, Lord for strengthening my resolve.

When I think that I can’t go on, you step in and strengthen me.  I’m grateful.

 

What things are you most thankful for?  Share in the comments or on my Facebook page.

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The Pain Points of Pastors – Survey

Help me help you!

In the next few days, I’ll be posting a couple posts on the toughest things about being a pastor.  I’m doing a survey of all my readers who are pastors, to see what you say are the toughest things about your job.

If you’ve already taken the survey, thank you!

I’m working through the results now — and look forward to sharing them!  In the survey I asked a question… Maybe you can relate to some of these answers:

survey edited screenshot

Can you relate to the pain of any of those answers??  I certainly can!

What are YOUR greatest pain points?

If you haven’t taken the 8-question survey yet, please CLICK HERE.  I’d love to have YOUR INPUT!

 

What I’m doing with the results:  Creating Resources

One of the top 5 “pain points” was “not being able to follow up on guests.”  I can relate — for years, I felt the frustration of this one!

But about 3 years ago, I got frustrated enough to start designing a system that didn’t allow people to fall through the cracks.

  • It took months of designing and tweaking
  • Over 100 hours of labor to get it all together
  • Now, it’s humming along nicely
  • I have equipped volunteers to help
  • We have had 12 guests in the past 4 weeks
  • No one fell through the cracks.

I’m going to teach you how to build the system (and save you TONS of time in the process) on my webinar Friday and Saturday.  There are 3 time slots for you convenience… I plan to give away as many of my secrets as possible. 🙂

Register for the Webinar

 

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3 Reasons You Should Go On An Information Fast

You’ve probably heard the statistic: The average person today sees more information in a Sunday edition of the New York Times than the average person in the 18th Century was likely to see in a year — or a lifetime, if they were rural and poor.

They don’t call it “the information age” for nothing.  It’s a challenge to sort through it all and figure out what’s important & actionable.

About four or five years ago, I did something I’d like to recommend. I went on what I called an “information fast.” I stopped reading books, magazines, news, Twitter, and blogs for 3 months… then largely extended it (with some exceptions) for another 3 months.  6 months with very little information intake.  While I didn’t stay on the fast forever, it did change my perspective on some things forever.

I know, I know… “leaders are readers” and all that.  I still believe that, and I still read.  But hear me out.

Here are 3 reasons I think you should consider doing an information fast:

1. If you’re not going to DO anything about most of what you read.

Don’t miss this: I found it was easier to READ about doing something, than to actually DO it.

I accumulated this list of great ideas, that I was doing nothing about.  27 ways to grow your church, 18 ways to connect with your spouse, 41 ideas about child-raising.  The latest techniques that the best practicioners were using.  I had more information than I had time!

So I picked up a saying during this season of my life: “Information is not as powerful as motivation.” Here’s what I mean:

Recently, I was at a bookstore (remember those?!) and saw all the diet, health and fitness books. Rows upon rows — it was astounding.  If I read a book per week, it would take years to finish.  Now, let me ask: which one of those books was the right plan?  

See what I mean?  It’s better to choose a way, and DO it, than to spend another 30 hours of internet research looking for the RIGHT way. Get the basics, make a decision, throw all your focus and action at it, and if you fail — learn!

The best and most encouraging book I’ve read on the courage to start things is Seth Godin’s Poke the Box.  I recommend it if you need a kick in the seat of the pants, or just some encouragement to start something instead of “thinking about it” for another year.

2. If more information is just going to paralyze you.

Concept of businessman choosing the right door - the paralysis of analysis

The paralysis of analysis (credit: Bigstockphoto.com)

There’s something unhealthy about continually taking in information and not doing anything about it.

I found that taking in too much information just kept me distracted all the time with “the paralysis of analysis.” Having 20 different ways to get where I want to go is actually confusing and de-motivating.  I’d rather find 1-2 ways from a source that I trust, and put my effort, time and focus into actually taking action.

During my information fast, I focused on ACTION – actually doing things that I already knew and had already learned.

3. If more information makes you more frustrated and discontent.

Ever read a great idea, or an encouraging, glowing report on another church, or another business — and think “Well, yeah, but I can’t do that because…”?

Lots of info I was consuming fit into that category:

  • I didn’t have the money (frustration with my calling)
  • I didn’t have the time (frustration with my family)
  • I didn’t have the facility (frustration with location)
  • I didn’t have the staff (frustration with others)
  • I didn’t have the leaders/church board/etc (frustration with the people I was called to serve)

(My wife caught this in me first, and called me on it.  I’m very thankful for her practicality & wisdom.)

If you’re in that kind of zone, even reading great reports & novel tactics from somewhere else can create discontent with YOUR situation.

So I stopped reading them for a while…

…put the action and effort and learning into my people and my place…

…and gained some needed perspective on life.

FINAL WORD

If you’re the guy who is out there and hasn’t read a book in 2 months… this post is not for you.  But if the three items above apply to the way you’re consuming information, give it a shot for 3 months and see what happens.

Don’t quit reading this blog, of course. 🙂

EXIT QUESTION: Which of the 3 reasons resonates with the way you tend to consume information now?  What do you think you’d discover in 3 months of just acting on what you already know?  Chip in with your comments below, or comment on my Facebook.